turning the oven on again

So TB started his treatment yesterday!  He seemed a little stressed and on edge before he went, it was quite a rush after work, but it seemed as though it went well. So far so good, theres not much to say about it because the first  session as you would expect is where the therapists try and get an understanding for themselves about TB. But he seemed happy enough when he came home, said they all seemed nice and he would be happy to go back again-brilliant!

Since i last posted it had been a difficult few days, TB had been away with work and the time it allowed me to relax, read my post here, was amazing, however as it got nearer him coming home i had the strangest mix of emotions-i felt nervous about him coming home, don’t get me wrong i was so excited to see Him, but felt so nervous about going back to the stress and worry of living with someone with an eating disorder.

They say you shouldn’t stop, you should just keep going, because if you stop you’ll crash and it’ll be hard to pick back up again..and thats exactly what i think happened to me, living with TB’s eating disorder has in some ways become such a seamless part of our daily lives that we don’t realise just how much of my time and energy it takes up. And then when we did stop and i had a break i found it overwhelming, i was nervous that i wouldn’t be able to pick back up from where i left off, i was nervous that because i’d had some time away i wouldn’t be able to cope in the way i normally do, and to be really honest i didn’t want to go back to that, again don’t get me wrong, i wanted TB home, but i didn’t want to go back to that stressful part of our lives.

So the evening he got home was awful, i had got myself worked up so much and was feeling so nervous, he could read all over my face that something was wrong. 3 hours, a lot of tears and some very long discussions later, TB finally got the homecoming he was expecting-a big smile from me! It was hard for him to hear and hard for me to say, i think he initially thought i was trying to say that my life was better off without the worry of him (clearly a moment where i had not thought before i spoke!) but i think i finally managed to get across that i was just nervous that i would struggle to go back to the place where we are able to be a couple as well as me supporting him, and i hadn’t realised just how much time and effort it takes up until i had a break.

So we had that long chat (it actually went on for a couple of evenings before we were ‘right’ again, but we discussed and worked together to come up with new plans to help ensure this didn’t happen again, so that i felt more supported, and once again i am so grateful for the person he is; he was excited to see me, that was not the welcome home he was expecting, i was horrible and snotty and crying and not very friendly, and he has everything else going on in his head, but he listened, took it on board and we worked together to come up with version 106 (it feels as though its been that many) of our plan.

If any one reading this is in the same position as me, and worries about how much they should share, this is my experience,  i worried for so long about sharing my feelings, how much i should or shouldn’t share with TB, would i just end up making him feel guilty? and yes, sometimes it does, and sometimes its counter intuitive, but i’m only human, everyone makes mistakes, in the same way sometimes he says things which aren’t useful for me. More often than not, my sharing lets us talk open and honestly with each other, so i think it is a good thing, despite how hard it can be at times. At the end of the day were a young couple.

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