Just need a bit of a rant.
I think this all comes from knowing that TB starts getting some treatment this week, and i am getting worried that i am placing too much on it now… it is like i’m putting all my hope into this, because i’m not sure where we will go next, and because i spend a lot of my time with that ‘on hold’ feeling.
There is so much that i look forward to in mine and TB’s relationship, and so much that we want to do together, so much that i feel excited for and then have to remind myself not to get too excited because i can’t have that yet. I know why this is and i know that the reason so much of it is on hold is because we want to have these experiences and do these things when TB is better and he can be wholly present and not preoccupied with his eating.
Sometimes i wonder if the things of the future that i look forward to are the same as TB, we discuss and chat about things, but sometimes in terms of the ‘future’ (as though it is to far to really contemplate or plan for) I’m sure it is most likely that the reason he doesn’t think about some of these things is because there just isn’t the headspace for them right now. The future TB is looking for is one where food and exercise isn’t on his mind 24/7, and once we get to that it will be different.
Sometimes i think ‘it’s so unfair’, my friends around me are all having such exciting news in their lives, weddings, babies, buying houses, travelling, just this morning i had some more wonderful news from another friend, and i am so incredibly excited for them-and i want to be involved and be there for them even more so because i know that its not my time yet, it will come and i need to keep being patient and being there for them and involved with them allows me to share in their joy. But i wonder how to let them know, without making them feel bad or maybe not involving me as much-that at times it is very hard.
But there are somethings i want so badly and i can’t let myself think about them, because it hurts. And i know that in this waiting at the end there will be great joy for us both. I want TB to be wholly present in all of our lives, the big things and the little, and for now we are working on the little, but i am so excited for when i can allow myself to open up to the big ones! even now this is hard to write, i love him so so much and i am more than prepared to wait, so for the time being i plan on throwing myself whole heartedly into love and joy for my friends, i know that when it is ‘my’ time they will do the same for me.