So that break i was talking about needing in this post i think may have finally arrived. After a ridiculously busy week in the office TB now has some time away from the office which i think is going to be really good for him, and for me. It means that lunch and dinner is organised elsewhere so we dont have to worry about sorting it at home, and the best bit? i have barely turned the cooker on! Apart from making dippy eggs (egg and soldiers or soft boiled eggs for everyone else!) and baking a cake i haven’t chopped or stirred or baked or prepared anything for the past few days-and its been amazing.
I am a person who loves food, loves cooking for people, seeing people enjoy food and making informed food choices but recently, i’ve not enjoyed it at all-buying food, preparing food, cooking food, eating food has all been about whats right? how much? how much can i put into a meal before it comes difficult, what should i buy for snacks, is there enough fruit in? will 5 potatoes freak TB out or should i just put in 4? It had got so exhausting that for someone who doesn’t have a food disorder i was thinking about food a whole lot.
So this week so far has been a breath of fresh air-don’t get me wrong, i miss having TB around at meal times, catching up about our days, but not having to worry about ensuring he gets enough to eat (because he’d been so stressed, it was just another thing he didn’t have time to remember) has been lovely and i’m beginning to feel more relaxed.
I have a friend coming over for dinner tomorrow, and i’m really excited to cook and share a meal with someone for pure enjoyment, without worrying whether or not i cooked too much or too little or what sized portion they’re going to have-eeeeee!!
This time has given me a chance to reflect, i still feel like TB and i get stronger and closer to each other everyday-it feels as though there was an unspoken exchange between us a while back that we would refuse to let this break us. I keep reminding myself that i am battling the eating disorder and not TB himself, therefore these battles cannot break me and him. Its so good to hear him enjoying himself being away from his desk for a while.
I am hoping and praying that this week will give us both the chance to relax a bit before the treatment begins next, its like preparing for battle! I saw a photo of him from a few years ago the other day-and immediately fell in love with him all over again, he looked healthy, relaxed, calm-i cannot wait to see that TB again. This orthorexia does not make me love him any less-but seeing that photo made me more determined than ever that we will get there, he is such an incredible person.
Thats not to say that i’m not scared though…i also looked at some photos of us recently in the sunshine together-i forget that when you are so used to seeing someone you can fail to see them clearly. after a couple of days apart, and in comparison to the other photo i found, the difference is terrifying, have i been in denial recently or just not seen it properly, and if i’ve not been seeing clearly and had i been would i of pushed for treatment sooner?
But should of and could of’s are silly things and i have to focus on where we are now…in the calm before the storm, I am getting some time for myself, the oven is off, the treatment starts next week and we are still us which is the main thing. x