Things are tough at the minute, i feel a bit as though were swimming and only just managing to keep our heads above the water.
We have finally managed to organise some proper treatment (CBT, nutrition advice, Body image therapy) for him which starts in about 3 weeks, which is amazing and i am so grateful to everyone who has supported us up to this. But right now it feels as though the ride has stopped, its as though moving forwards is on hold whilst we wait for the treatment to start and even then i’m not sure what were expecting is suddenly going to change, we both know that the treatment isn’t necessarily going to be easy and likely things will continue to get worse (how can that be possible?!) before they get better.
As a couple i know that we are still strong-this whole experience has made us incredibly close, i am lucky that he feels able to be so open and honest with me and we work very hard to communicate well with each other. But right now at this very moment things are tough. TB is also super busy at work, and so quality us time seems like a hopeful dream, we’ve cancelled two date nights with each other in the past week alone, so our open communication line is generally a quick chat before bed in the evenings.
The stress of work combined with the lack of climbing and exercise isn’t allowing TB any time to relax, so i am ensuring that meals are cooked, lunches made, house cleaned, just so that whatever free time he does have he can focus on trying to relax, so that he can face the next meal. But it is exhausting, and there was an evening last week where i so desperately wanted him to come and curl up on the sofa with me, give me a hug and do nothing but sit with me-but it would be cruel to ask for that right now and its times like those where i really hate the eating disorder, i know that TB on his own without it wouldn’t even question it and would jump to my side to look after me, but right now TB has the eating disorder and we cannot change that.
So each day we do what we have to to get through it, treasure any moment for a fleeting second we can relax together, and just wait, and hope and pray that this treatment will help. Were scared, neither of us are sure what we would do or where we would next turn after this. I am terrified, i can see how his weight is changing by the day, i can see how his whole body is tense and troubled how tired and exhausted he is looking, but all i can do right now it feels is to be there, i am trying to show him that no matter how much the eating disorder takes over who he is, i will always be there, and that whether he believes it or not i need him. I tried to explain to him last night just how much i also need him, but i’m not sure he gets it and i dont know how to get it across when it does seem as though right now the balance is almost toppled on him needing me.
And then it all gets too much and i just want to take some time out for me, some time out to forget about it all, forget that i am supporting him through this and just relax, but then i feel guilty, and i have this constant battle in my head knowing that i can’t fully support him if i dont take some time out to replenish myself, but right now it feels too difficult, and the house is a mess and i have to ensure somethings cooked that TB will eat and i think i’ll wait until treatment starts and then i’ll try. So it brings us back again to being on hold, waiting for the treatment because we’re not sure what else to do. x